By Arré Bench
Kriti Sanon won a Nothing to Hide Award and we dont even know what that means. Now were wondering whod win the Thanks for Showing Up and Your Dads My Friend awards.
The new year is upon us and what better time to recognize those people who have spent the previous year not getting enough recognition: Bollywood celebrities! After inspecting various television channels over the weekend, a company that deals in suffocating children in Africa so they can make those tiny plastic packets old people put their pills in, decided that they would get into the award show business. The CEO of the company thought the whole spectacle might provide a positive PR spin to their flailing brand, which is currently exclusively consumed by shady men who sell drugs (aka talcum powder) to unsuspecting customers.
And so, this Monday, the Raju Thailis Best Acting in Akhand Universe award show was announced at a press conference. The gig was attended by none other than Big B himself Punjabi rapper Baadshah who performed an acoustic version of the hit song Wakhra Swag that brought attendees to tears. In between other hit performances, like KRKs Spoken Word, the company also released a list of new categories, which are a wee bit more honest than regular Bolly awards.
The Thanks for Showing Up award
The TSU will be given to that one celebrity who displayed exemplary grace in the way they arrived at the venue. They managed to put all their clothes on without throwing too much of a tantrum, probably took a shower before coming, and thats good enough for us. Plus, this way the actor is forced to show up and the associate sponsors are forced to shell out, even though they havent even made a movie in the last year or so.
Our guess: Aamir Khan
The Most Likely to Ignore Fans award
No award show is incomplete without the presence of random fans standing with their mouths open at the entrance like theyve just met the person who built the Great Pyramids of Giza. Our award goes to that one celebrity who goes out of his way to ignore the shit out of these people. Said celebrity will be given extra points for flipping a fan off while providing advice on how to have a privileged background like he does.
Our guess: Arjun Kapoor
The Your Dads My Friend award
This award goes to that one thespian whose father was intelligent enough to befriend Raju, of Raju Thaili. Our academy judges candidates by how much money they were born into, how many PS3s they can afford to throw out of the window, and how little time theyve had to work to get this award. Their parents have to be industrialists, bankers, filmmakers, politicians, or basically, anyone Raju Thaili can benefit from being around.
Our guess: Sonam Kapoor
Apart from these awards, sources say, an unnamed lifetime achievement award will be given to Hollywood actress Priyanka Chopra for her contribution in taking our Indian culture to the West
The Most Likely to Nip-Slip on Instagram
That 13 to 25-years demographic of testosterone-driven men will be men cannot be ignored. After years of couching it under various other categories, Raju Thaili has finally decided to call a spade a spade, and come up with this unique category awarded to that one person whose areola is slightly more visible than others. The winner of this category would have to have suffered a sufficient number of oops moments captured by the creeps hired to take pictures on red carpets. Getting slut-shamed on a social media network adds points.
Our guess: Tiger Shroff
The No Way Youre Dancing award
Just take your award for best actor and retire already bro, because we havent seen a human who can bear to watch more than a minute of you dancing. The last time we put you on stage, it was so awkward we had to convert that segment into a five-minute-long paan ad featuring Pierce Brosnan. Plus we dont really have the time to invest in the CGI it requires to make you look like youre having a good time. So enjoy your trophy and leave the dancing to Hrithik Roshan.
Our guess: Sunny Deol
Apart from these awards, sources say, an unnamed lifetime achievement award will be given to Hollywood actress Priyanka Chopra for all her contribution in taking our exaaatic Indian culture to the West in such a graceful and charming manner. Besides, everyone loves Qwaannikko.
The article was originally published on Arré.
Featured Illustration Credit(s): Shruti Yatam/Arré