By Jackie Thakkar
Rancho and gang may have left our lives, but for the last eight years they have been a permanent part in the life of Virus. Virus was a deeply troubled man even when we first met him, and eight years of exposure to Rancho hasnt done him any good. In fact, he still holds a grudge against Ranchoddas Chanchad for being the first person to hold his grandson. Robbing me of my mousstache, my daughter, and my self-ressspect wasssnt enough. The rassscal had to sssteal my right of being the firssst person to hold my grandssson as well, he often bellows in his trademark lisp.
As always, weve managed to get a hold of our favourite Bollywood therapist and this time too, hes been kind enough to spill the beans. He was already quite familiar with cases like that of Virus. His cousin brother, Dr Asthana, went through a similar meltdown because of some rapscallion by the name of Munna a few years ago. Here are the excerpts from our chat:
So tell us Doctor, when did Doctor Virus seek counselling?
There were many factors that led him to me, but it can mostly be attributed to Ranchos continued passive-aggressive behaviour. Getting his father-in-law to change his views is one thing, but going on to demand that Virus should get him chutney-stained mojaris and sherwanis for his wedding day as a symbolic victory over his predecessor was a downright power move. Things escalated when Rancho began going all Baba Ranchoddas on a daily basis. Toasts at breakfast were made on a solar- powered stove that he had invented himself since he considered toasters obsolete. The ceiling fans were replaced by wind turbines, and worst of all, Virus trusted barber was sacked in favour of a biodegradable razor that, no prizes for guessing, Rancho had made himself.
Okay, and how about Rancho and Pia? Are they in a happy marriage?
Things are not great on the marriage front. After all, he came into Pias life when she was sworn to another man. Rancho and his friends went on to manipulate her into dumping this guy not once, but twice. They managed to convince Pia that he was brand-obsessed when his only fault was that he didnt like people who ate chutney. But thankfully, Suhas has done well for himself as a professional valuator.
Pia lives in constant fear that her weirdly innovative husband might run out on her abruptly. Its no secret that Rancho is a major flight risk.
Pia also lives in constant fear that her weirdly innovative husband might run out on her abruptly. Its no secret that Rancho is a major flight risk. Can you really blame the poor girl for having abandonment issues? While Pia was swooning over him, he went MIA. And for fucks sake she didnt even know the real name of the guy. Also, their sex life took a massive hit once Pia started driving a four-wheeler and gave up the whole helmet-scooter role play.
On the bright side, the couple is annoyingly rich. Mr and Mrs Wangdus personal fortune runs into thousands of crores. Ranchos patents have attracted investors from the world over, including Elon Musk. The Tesla Motors CEO even attributes Rancho for giving him his electric car idea after he suffered a powerful jolt to his nunu.
What about Raju and Farhan?
You mean Prerajulisation and FarhaNitrate? The two have been getting by, I guess. Farhans wildlife photography career doesnt earn him much; he regrets not sticking to engineering. His active campaigning on issues like saving our forests and pleas to stop the unethical land possession at Aarey Colony are muted against loud chants of Vikas. Hes currently investigating the suicidal behaviour of blackbucks in Jodhpur.
As for Raju, he has been experiencing a midlife crisis for quite some time now and his marriage is pretty much in shambles. Which is hardly a surprise considering his go-to solution for most real-life problems is to stand at the edge of a ledge and threaten to jump off. Again.
Speaking of being on edge, hows Chatur?
Oh man! That guy! After realising that Virus had gifted his pen to Rancho instead of him, he went full-on stalker on the poor dean. Breaking into his house and showing him pictures of his American home and NRI wife. But that too did not last.
Chatur and his wife separated a few years ago. In her statement, she stated that she left him after discovering images of pornographic nature in his study. The pictures in question depicted a naked Rancho holding nothing but an old-timey radio to cover his junk and had the words, Why wasnt I in this, Raju?! strewn across them.
But despite all this, Chatur is still doing fairly well for himself. Like every annoying nerd we know, he too invested in Bitcoin and cant seem to stop talking about how much money hes making off it.
Doc, we gotta ask. Is all this for real?
In Hiraniverse, is anything real? Are you real? Am I real? Or is this just some sort of a Chemical Locha going on in our minds? Perhaps, we are all just a lovable goons hallucination of Gandhi, helping him find solace in Satyagraha? Or part of some conspiracy theory that involves an upright alien with bulging eyes who wants to find his way back to his home planet? Or maybe we are all just desperate Jimmy Shergills looking to not die virgins? Its all Chemical Locha, my friend. Chemical Locha sold to you under the pretext of laughter therapy.
Dafuq have you have been smoking, doc? We need a drink.
Featured Image Credits: Arre