By Dushyant Shekhawat
Consent is, to a large section of the country, what Vijay Mallya is to the Indian authorities: impossible to grasp. Case in point: BJP MLA Ram Kadam, who offered to kidnap any girl who refused the proposal of any member of his constituency. For men like Kadam, a girl who says no is painting a target on her back.
“No is a simple enough word for people to understand. Its a sharp, monosyllabic report that makes its meaning very clear halt whatever youre doing, I disagree. Its one of the first words we learn as infants, and its character barely changes across languages no, nahi, nyet, nein. Why then, as we grow older, do we fail to comprehend its message, especially when it comes to matters of consent?
In India, consent is an imported concept. Its as alien to our culture as live-in relationshipsand short skirts, and viewed through the same denigrating lens. Its something to be scoffed at and brushed aside especially if youre inclined to listen to people like BJP MLA Ram Kadam. At a dahi handi event held in Mumbai this week, the elected official announced to all the men in attendance that he was available to kidnap any girl who refused their proposals, and deliver her to them. Before Im accused of oversimplifying his words, let me clarify that he did attach a rider to the offer if the wannabe dulhas parents gave their blessings to the union, the kidnapping would proceed as planned.
Let that sink in. This man was elected to public office, given a public platform to speak, and chose to announce his criminal intentions for the world to hear. Of course, hes backpedalled after the situation very rightly blew up in his face; politicians from every party, ranging from rivals Congress to testy allies Shiv Sena, and even also-rans MNS piled on to him for his tone-deaf statements. Kadam has said his comments were distorted, but that hasnt stopped him from being christened Ravan Kadam by Twitter, after the most famous kidnapper in Indian mythology.
Honestly, it doesnt matter whether he was simply repeating a statement made by a member of the crowd, or giving voice to his fantasy of being like Jason Statham in The Transporterand driving around the country with girls in the boot of his car. Because in this country, a girl who says no isnt merely exercising her free will, shes painting a target on her back. There are men in this country who feel like they have a right to womens bodies, and that they can punish any woman who refuses them access. Consent is, to a large section of the country, what Vijay Mallya is to the Indian authorities: impossible to grasp.
Against this backdrop, comments like Kadams are not only offensive, but downright dangerous.
Against this backdrop, comments like Kadams are not only offensive, but downright dangerous. Bollywood has already popularised the message that no doesnt mean no, just not now. The stalker-as-hero is a depressingly familiar and persistent trope. Mainstream cinema still portrays female characters as prizes to be won by male protagonists, reducing them to commodities just like Kadam did in his speech.
Because women are granted no agency when it comes to choosing their suitors, their refusal of a proposal becomes a problem to be solved, not a definite conclusion. Note to all the Ram Kadams out there: Overcoming resistance should be an activity reserved for generals at war, not for men trying to find partners.
In our country, where even the act of marrying the person you want to spend your life with has earned the sensationalist tag of love marriage, and the alternative of arranged marriage is seen as the sensible thing to do, exercising your choice about who you want to love is one of the most rebellious acts a person can commit. Across the country, from the North to the South, disrespecting your parents wishes with regards to marriage is viewed as a grave sin. Just look at the gory trend of honour killings across the nation, fuelled by the notion that romantic partners should be determined by society, not individuals.
Thankfully, the only courts sanctioning honour killings are kangaroo courts. Meanwhile, Indias Supreme Court made a landmark judgement yesterday when it ruled to strike down Section 377, an archaic law used to unfairly target LGBTQ citizens. While this is a huge leap in the courts granting us the right to love whomever we want, the right to reject advances has not been similarly legitimised. Marital rape is still not considered a crime in the eyes of the law, and a wife refusing her husband access to sex is considered to be neglectful of her matrimonial duties. Once again, a womans consent is considered irrelevant in the face of male entitlement.
It is precisely this entitlement that sits at the heart of Indias problem with consent and Ram Kadams parent-sanctioned kidnapping service, exists because of how entrenched patriarchy is in our society.
I hope a day comes when this imbalance is addressed, and a womans no is taken as a full-stop, and not a set of ellipses denoting a continuation of the matter. But until then, I might as well start a kiosk selling pepper spray. People like Ram Kadam should ensure a steady stream of customers. Because a man who resorts to kidnapping his bride may not understand consent, but he will hopefully understand the meaning of a face full of mace.
This article was originally published on Arré.
Dushyant Shekhawat really likes his mustache. He grew it himself. You can find him somewhere between “Here” and “Now”.