Let us consider three separate situations about the same action; a two-second grope on the buttocks.
Situation 1: Naina was groped in a bus by a stranger. She made a big fuss, shouted back at the offender and got the bus conductor to disembark the offender. Naina was irritated for a while and wished she had remembered to take a picture of the offender. If she had the picture, she would have posted it on social media.
Situation 2: Karishma was groped by someone she knew. She got agitated, and called the police. She informed friends and family about the offender. As Karishma was friends with family of the offender, she did not put the news on social media. She only wanted his friends and family to know because offenders are often repeat offenders. She did not want to hurt them. She wanted the offender to stop his actions.
Situation 3: Mr Zope had a minor accident and was hospitalized. He asked his daughter, Tanya, to go to his boss for help.
For some peculiar reason his boss took advantage of the situation and groped Tanya. Tanya knew how much her father adored his boss. She was lost for days not knowing whom to tell, but finally she told her father about the grope. When Mr Zope came to know about the groping, he went into severe depression. He couldn’t stand going to work and seeing his boss anymore. Yet it was not easy to find a new job at this age. He couldn’t look at his wife or daughter in the face knowing that he couldn’t protect them. He often thought of suicide.
His boss was his long time mentor. A person he thought he could trust. He had been his idol and mentor for several years now. He had helped him grow as an individual. Not only him, his boss had helped many other people. Mr Zope did not know whom to trust anymore. He also did not know how to accost his mentor. If he tried to file a FIR against his boss- would anybody believe them? Besides if his boss went to jail- how many peoples’ lives might get negatively affected?
Tanya also felt terrible, knowing that if she had not told her father about the incident, then he would not have gone into such severe depression. She felt guilty, and very angry that her father’s boss put her in such a position.
The action in all the above situations was the same- a two-second grope. But the reaction that it evoked from the three people was drastically different. Why?
Humans are social animals. We live in societies built upon trust. The more we trust someone the higher the expectations we have of that person. A two-second grope from a stranger will irritate us – but it probably result in anybody contemplating suicide. But if the harasser were a mentor… the grope takes on a completely different meaning.
Often the mentor-offender will try to justify their actions, saying that they didn’t do anything serious. They did not rape, they did not even kiss! They will often try to escape blame by saying that it was just a hug or a pat that was misunderstood.
However in the above case, Tanya definitely knew that her father’s mentor had not given her a pat. It was not only the grope, it was also the lustful look on his face, his stance, his leer. There was not mistaking his intentions. And Tanya’s father believed her.
It very well might be that the mentor-offender does not realise the gravity of their action. We need to sensitise potential mentors, coaches in the workplace, and other people in positions of power, about the gravity of their actions. Actions that were acceptable when they were young or before they became influencers, are not acceptable once they are in positions of power. Rather they often have the power to hurt tremendously.
Educational and corporate institutions should make it mandatory for senior faculty and employees to attend workshops where they learn to appreciate the gravity of sexual harassment.
But the above option is putting the entire onus on the offender and the organisation they work in. An offender can sometimes be a neighbour, a family friend or a family member. They are sometimes rich and famous and sometimes they are not. How can we sensitize them?
Talk. Discuss. Write. Bring awareness to about how terrible one feels when harassed.
What can we do to protect ourselves from getting so upset by a grope from a mentor, that some even think of suicide?
We must stop putting our mentors on such high pedestals. We must realise that our mentors are humans too. They might be fantastic in some aspects of life; however they will make mistakes in others. After all, in Indian mythology even the Gods have flaws and make mistakes. Sure, all offenders should pay for their mistakes. But we should not make ourselves so vulnerable simply because we expect them to be perfect, even more so than the Gods.
Swati Shome has a PhD in cell biology and has been zigzagging between the USA and India her whole life. She attended primary school in the USA, high school and undergraduate college in India and did her Masters, PhD and post-doc in the USA. She currently lives in India.