From the Beatles visiting an ashram to Julia Roberts character eating, praying, and loving in Eat, Pray, Love, Westerners seem to have identified India as a land you visit to find yourself, a land where dreams come true. And it looks like many cherished dreams of a certain Donald Trump are going to be realised this month when he visits the country to reunite with his dear friend and favourite Hindu Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Vladimir Putin, eat your heart out your position as Trumps BFF is now in the shadow of a 56-inch chest.
Trump and Modi might be the political equivalent of Jay and Veeru, but for ol Donny, this isnt just a courtesy call. Trumps first visit to India is a whirlwind wish-fulfilment tour where he is going to get to live out some of his wildest fantasies (or at least, the ones that dont involve hamburgers). Over the course of two unforgettable days, Trump is going to have experiences that he never could in his own country. What would have been FAKE NEWS in the US will become a reality in India, much to the US presidents delight.
Heres a few of the things Trump can look forward to when he visits India on February 24 and 25.
1. A Massive Crowd (Thats Actually Massive)
When Trump and First Lady Melania touch down in Ahmedabad, hes going to get a chance to address a crowd thats being projected to number between five to seven million. For someone who got elected promising to keep people out of his country, Trump sure loves a tightly packed crowd around him. He was famously offended when photos showing the crowd at his swearing-in ceremony being dwarfed by the crowds at Obamas swearing-in ceremony, so the idea of speaking before millions has to have him thrilled. Hes already admitted as much to US reporters, saying the 40,000 to 50,000 people who show up to his US rallies will now feel like a smaller gathering after he breathes in a little bit of Gujarat.
2. A YUGE Stadium (To Match His YUGE Ego)
Donald Trump is famously size-obsessed. Bigger always means better (unless youre talking about his hands, which he doesnt like very much). He loves to pepper his speeches with references to the many big, strong guys he interacts with, like, all the time. This is why the venue for the Trump-Modi rally, the humongous Sardar Patel Stadium, is perfect for dimension-centric Donald. Speaking to reporters before the visit, Trump said, You know (it) is the largest stadium in the world. Hes (Modi) building it now. Its almost complete and its the largest in the world. To Trump, the stadiums size is so important, he had to mention it twice. Charlie Bucket wasnt as thrilled to visit Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory.
3. Bonding Time (With His Favourite Hindu)
Unfortunately for Trump, he doesnt seem to be very good at making or keeping friends. Look no further than the revolving door of his White House staff roster since 2016 for evidence. In that context, it becomes understandable why he seems to have such a guy-crush on our Prime Minister. They stay on opposite sides of the globe but have still found time to meet each other four times in 2019; meanwhile, people who sit on the same desk at work cant find time to catch drinks at happy hour. Theres also a subtle you scratch my back, Ill scratch yours energy to the entire affair, what with Modi repaying the hospitality of Howdy Modi with a literal translation in Kem Chho Trump. The reunion will be a happy one, surely, and theres bound to be high-fives, bear hugs galore, and some joyful hand-slapping.
4. A Wall! (Paid for by Another Country!)
Ahmedabad is going to play host to a roadshow that goes from the airport to the shiny new stadium, and obviously, Trump will go by the scenic route. Unfortunately, as is often the case in India, even the scenic route ends up going past some visually discomfiting slum settlements. To spare eyes used to the opulence of Trump Tower the sight of grimy Indian poverty, a wall is being constructed along the planned route that will block off the view of the slums. If you think about it, a wall is the perfect thing to gift Donald Trump, seeing as hes having so much trouble building one of his own. With the possible exception of Russias interference in the 2016 US election, erecting this wall might be the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for Donald Trump.
Though his visit spans only two days, Trump is clearly here for a good time, not a long time. And as his host, India has pulled out all stops in making sure he gets it. Atithi Devo Bhava and all that.
This article was originally published in Arre