Since the dawn of time and sexting, homo sapiens were believed to follow a scientific method to indicate their desire to have sex. According to an informal survey conducted in-house, I learnt that in the good ol’ days, the process did not involve sending nude Polaroids via pigeons to the man or woman you wanted to do the deed with. It did, however, include exchanging wide-eyed looks and frantic pointing towards the crotch. Thankfully for us, the Swiss gave us the internet and the Americans swooped in to streamline the meet-to-bed process with chat rooms, Yahoo, MySpace, Orkut, Facebook, etc and from there on helping people get laid became a cottage industry.
But before we decide to send dick picks with an afterglow filter to our latest match, remember there are rules to this breathless game of moans. Using inputs from the best in the game (mainly me) I have created the perfect cheat sheet to get you successfully laid. If the process doesn’t work for you, feel free to contact me at whatiswrongwithyou.com
Before you start, know your medium. After loads of celebrity scandals, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt is that storing your chats and nudes – or anyone else’s chats and nudes – is going to end very badly. Big Brother is always watching so circumvent it by using a service like Telegram, which offers end-to-end to encryption. If that doesn’t sound sexy, go where all the kids are at: Snapchat. The ephemerality of the service revolutionised the sexting scene and the platform promises that any text or photo sent on its server isn’t stored anywhere. To everyone using Facebook or WhatsApp, up your game a bit. You want no part of Fapgate.
Next, treat sexting with some respect. It is an intense emotional activity which actually might end up letting you touch a human person you met on the internet. Boys, brandishing your phone with your match’s crotch in your friends’ face is grade-school behaviour, and if things ever hit the long-term with your casual lay, she might find out and drop your ass like Suzanne dropped Hrithik’s.
Which brings us to… Remember that both parties involved know what is at stake. So you don’t have to be coy and try to make random conversation about the weather. Nothing kills a mood faster than a “What a nice day na?”-type of anodyne lines. Your libido or your erection are the literal elephants in the room. Tackle them head on and keep it light.
When something becomes as universally reviled as KRK or as collectively ridiculed as Rahul Gandhi, just stop.
Party 1: Send a picture
Party 2: It’s really dark
Party 1: I don’t care
Party 2: *Sends picture of the colour black*
Keep it breezy, even if a little cheesy.
If the conversation is taken to the next level, remember to keep a check on autocorrect. No one wants to know how you will “duck” them or are sitting at work with your hand on your “clot’. These are bad lines anyway which are made worse by misspelling. Besides, people who are anal about grammar lurk everywhere these days (scan Twitter bio to see if they’ve listed “Grammar Nazi” in it) – your chances are shot if you’re trying to get into their pants.
Now, listen carefully. If you’ve reached thus far, you are ready to be privy to our next most important rule: No one wants dick pics. It’s shocking but true. And no, afterglow filters do not help. Ugly with great filters is still ugly. Dudes who send them unsolicited: How would you feel if someone waved a badly-lit penis in your face first thing in the morning? When something becomes as universally reviled as KRK or as collectively ridiculed as Rahul Gandhi, just stop.
If someone asks for them, then it’s a different ballgame altogether. It means that the other party is being business-like in their demeanour and want to know if you can make this textual relationship worth their while. Even when demanded, one can’t just send the picture of the shaft: Context is everything. A little torso, some upper thigh never hurt anyone.
This brings us to the universally acknowledged fact of sexting: Whatever nude you send, there’s a 99 per cent chance that it will be shown to a friend. So not showing your face, lets you eventually save face. If you still are, for some reason using Facebook, WhatsApp, or bless your soul, MMS in your text messenger (what are you?), remember to shoot nudes without your face or birthmarks or your driver’s license in the background. If the other party insists on “building trust” via nudes that include faces, it’s time you slid out of their DMs.
Children, sexting is nothing but an accumulation of smart intent, decent grammar skills, and five per cent sense of humour, all aided by rabid professionalism. Open a fresh window and let the games begin.
This article was first published on Arre
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