By Arré Bench
How could you, Ranbir Kapoor, understand the life of a troubled star child from a big Bollywood khandaan who tries to make his way through the industry? Lekin fikar nahi karne ka – tera career get well soon ho jayega, mamu!
Darling Rannu Baba,
Heartiest congratulations! You are Hirani’s new muse. Matlab bole toh… bhagwan jab deta hai, toh chappad phad ke deta hai. Now that the whole world can’t stop talking about how strikingly similar we look after watching the Sanju teaser, apun is just worried Hirani might forget me and cast you in the next Munnabhai. Bole toh… anarth! But let me tell you, I enjoyed the teaser. Rapchick tha, lekin apun didn’t understand why you kept changing clothes so many times? Main kya Sonam Kapoor lagta hai tereko?
Still, I was mighty impressed by how nicely you have portrayed me, baba. It must be a difficult role for you. How could you, Ranbir Kapoor, understand the life of a troubled star child from a big Bollywood khandaan who tries to make his way through the industry? The struggle of living up to your father’s name, facing heartbreak from almost every leading lady in the industry, the unbearable pain of innumerable flop films – these are all the life-altering experiences you will need to reflect over if you really want to understand me. Bole toh, apun ke bheje aur life, dono mein chemical locha hai.
But even then, what you might not understand are the reasons behind the bizarre casting of Sanju. Why should my dear mumma, the greatest actress of her generation, be played by Manisha Koirala? And how can reality TV star Karishma Tanna play the iconic ’90s heartbreaker, Madhuri Dixit? Apun sincerely apologizes for that, baba: The truth is that these were just a handful of actresses who I did not date and who were willing to take up a role in my biopic. Take it as my vishesh tippani for a young actor – when the time comes for Karan Johar’s Ranbir: Kapoor of the Year, you don’t want to face the same troubles. You wouldn’t like Parineeti Chopra playing Neetuji just as much I’m not ecstatic about Sonam playing Tina Munim.
I’m about to give you the most important lesson of being me: Half of the battle is won once you pick a cute nickname for yourself. Think of something you would call a child. That way people will always see you as an innocent boy even when you are a convicted criminal approaching 60. For any further advice, just ask a fellow member of the Innocent Boys’ Club, Sallu Bhai. To put it simply baba,
S bole toh, bole toh
A bole toh, bole toh
“Aaye Shivani” ka lip-syncer
N bole toh, bole toh
Nepotism ka haqdaar
J bole toh, bole toh
Jail ka cameo actor
U bole toh, bole toh
Urmila ka co-actor
Par fikar mat karo, Rannu Baba, playing me might look like a challenge, but we have more in common than you think. I am the original manchild of Bollywood and you’ve done a good job of carrying the tradition on. Ved, Jordan, Bunny, and Sid will vouch for that. You have starred in the film Raajneeti, and I’ve been involved in real politics. Like me, you grew up on the mean streets of Pali Hill. I don’t need to tell you that it was a tough life, filled with social-climbing girls, fast cars, and easily available coke. This is why I was so comfortable doing Shootout at Lokhandwala, except I never expected I’d play a cop.
Take it as my vishesh tippani for a young actor – when the time comes for Karan Johar’s Ranbir: Kapoor of the Year, you don’t want to face the same troubles. You wouldn’t like Parineeti Chopra playing Neetuji just as much I’m not ecstatic about Sonam playing Tina Munim.
And that brings me to my next lesson: It’s okay if you don’t know where you’re going. You’ll figure it out along the way, with a few ups and mostly downs in between. Sometimes you will be the award-winning star of Vaastav and other times you’ll be hosting Bigg Boss Season 5. I launched with a bang in Rocky but still ended up with a disaster like Bhoomi. You may have started off with Saawariya blues, moved on to a tasty piece of Barfi!, but still end up starring in an unnecessary biopic about Bollywood’s Baba.
Fikar nahi karneka, tera career get well soon ho jayega, mamu! Matlab, as Munnabhai would say, life mein jab hits kam rehte hai na, double jeene ka, double.
Chal Mamu… jadoo ki jhappi de daal aur baat khatam. Apun ke pass Bapu hai! Picture hit hogi.
Bole toh yours sincerely,
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