By Arré Bench
Yesterday, the last two pages of the Bombay Times officially announced Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas engagement, and its all so cute, omfg were all dead now!! So far Nick Jonas might have been known to teenagers as singer of song Jealous, but now that hes getting married to the Bollywood/Hollywood crossover superstar Priyanka Chopra, he is about to become the white brother-in-law India has always wanted.
Whatll he wear at Amitabh Bachchans Holi party? Will he make a sudden appearance in a Bollywood movie as white person who betrays our jawans? Will we give him a cutesy Indian name like Nickbhai Jonas? The possibilities are endless for both the 25-year-old Disney star, and our fanatic fandom.
Actually endless is a bit of an overstatement Nick probably should not continue making music at this point, unless hes willing to be the guy who yells, WHAT!, or Whos that sexy madam? in an item number starring his fiancee. But he should be fine for now, provided he follows the simple rules weve set for white foreigners.
Be amazed, be very amazed
Nickbhai, the first thing you do when you come to India, is visit every single monument you can find on Google Maps. Whisper wow outside the Taj Mahal with hand on heart, be so full of awe at the Qutab Minar that your eyes well up with tears, put on a robe and throw a plastic bag of old garlands into the Ganga, really immerse yourself in the whole experience. If you are suddenly interviewed outside any of these structures, make sure to mention how the smell reminds you of innocent days, or something about how the spicy food makes you cry, but youd still eat it every day.
Once youve established yourself as a celebrity, youll want to shed a bit of your foreigner status, and appeal to the masses.
Attend (gatecrash) a wedding
Well youre already one step ahead of us there, considering youve already attended the reception of an Ambani progeny, but gatecrashing a famous persons wedding is by far the easiest way to get your face in the papers. For extra measure you could do a sangeet dance to Desi Girl, or get drunk and yell at a starlet, or go the old-fashioned way and take a selfie with every single attendee. By the age of 30, people will get so used to seeing your face, youll be invited to private Diwali parties for an undisclosed fee. Success!
Play cricket well
This is the only way to truly make your way into our hearts and settle there. Hit Siddharth Malhotra for a six on the last ball of a celebrity cricket tournament and it is almost guaranteed youll be in the news forever. Granted theyll talk about it even if you get out on the first ball, but youll have a much better story to tell when Kapil Sharma invites you to his show.
Get yourself a baba
Once youve established yourself as a celebrity, youll want to shed a bit of your foreigner status, and appeal to the masses. You could start by adopting a baba, preferably one that doesnt advocate castration, and attend very public seminars, where you meet God. Buy saffron robes, drink saffron tea, and write a book with a saffron pen, and youll soon find yourself going from simply White person famous to Superstar Rajinikanth famous very quickly.
This list is by no means comprehensive we havent even begun talking about the number of yoga poses you can appropriate but this should be a good starting point. Play your cards well, and you will be cast in Student of the Year 7.