Arr? checklist: What your daaru says about you

Pop culture teaches us that avid drinkers have a preferred poison to match their personality. Don Draper’s affinity for stiff Old Fashioneds, Carrie’s love for sassy Cosmos and Dev D’s voracious appetite for Vodka-Thums Up have all been well-documented in the past.

But what about you, the aam admi? Who will account for your dose of validation based on your hedonistic lifestyle? Well, worry not, fellow simpleton. Here’s a list of total stretches of imagination and wildly off-the-mark assumptions about your character based solely on what daaru you drink.

Pint of Beer

Like the dhakkan of a Kingfisher Ultra, you are easy, convenient and often found lying on the floor during a party. Despite this, you always start the night off saying you’re “going easy tonight”. Given your perpetual stupor, you never notice just how many cigarettes people unfairly bum off you. They cost 15 rupees now, you ignoramus! Also, you are naive enough to have been duped into peeing in the host’s ferns on more than one occasion.

Gin and Tonic

You are such a try-hard. In your quest to be “unconventional”, you’ve become oblivious to the hordes of people staring at you, wondering why the fuck someone would drink dry-ass gin in a country as hot as ours? BeefEater is totally aukaat se bahaar, but your miserly ass even regularly dismisses Bombay Sapphire as “not your scene”. The poor bartender is then left with no choice but to offer you the only other brand of gin available in this country, Blue Riband. Good for you, Schweppes breath! Seriously though, how much do you spend on viagra?

Old Monk and Coke

Hello, my fellow underpaid writer and/or starving artist. Ab kya kahein? None of us pictured our life like this. Here we are, in our “glorious” mid-20s, drinking a celebrated Indian rum that tastes like someone mixed diabetes with broken dreams. How did we get here? Sitting at the corner of this dilapidated bar, basking in the stench of expired cheeslings and bits of masala papad that haven’t been scooped off the floor since 2013. It’s alright though since we can always use these thoughts as “inspiration” for the next listicle we write.

Vodka Red Bull

What will it take for you to stop talking about that one summer you spent in Europe back in 2011? Every time you have a drag of Bhiwandi weed, you cough out the lines, “Iss weed mein Amsterdam wali baat nahi hai, bro.” And every time, someone is sick of reminding you that “Tu Malad mein rehta hai, chaman!” The Vodka and caffeine-fuelled adrenaline rush you subject yourself to for 48 hours every weekend, is bound to land you in an early grave. Just do us all a favour, and speed up the inevitable by graduating to coke sooner rather than later?

Jägerbomb

Nothing says I started driving my dad’s Skoda at 16 and spent four pointless years abroad like chugging back multiple Jägers in a crowded club. Everyone thinks you’re a great time but eventually leaves when they realise your crippling need for validation. Much like your iPhone X, Jägerbombs cannot make up for your utter lack of personality. Therapists can pay off their mortgage while trying to decipher what exactly is the source of constant misery in your overly privileged life. 

Sangria

More soaked in alcohol than the pieces of fruit in their glasses, the trophy spouse life found you early. You are glad that at least your non-profit organization is finally taking off and know full well that Sangria is the preferred drink at pretentious fundraisers. Let the fruity sweetness dissolve your bitter regrets of peaking too early and having little to aspire for. So what if your air kisses reek of unfulfilled potential and an atrociously gung-ho attitude toward superficial things?

Domestic Whiskey with Soda

Wow. Can you be more generic? You likely picked up drinking from watching your favourite Bollywood villains, uncles, and dad sip on everything from Royal Stag to Antiquity Blue. You swore that a) You would never drink. And b) If you did, it would be much nicer brands like Johnnie, Jim, or Jack. So congratulations on that Imperial Blue with Coke and a side of mediocrity. But I regret to inform you that the bitter aftertaste in your mouth is fate reminding you that league se bahaar ki ladki aur aukaat se bahaar ki Scotch, dono hi mehnat se milti hai.

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The original article can be found on Arré.